Strength and Feeling

You think I am weak because I express feeling, because I admit to my anxiousnes. But you hate that part of me because you see it in yourself, because it reminds you of the feelings you try to deny. I am not weak. 

I have have carried inside and pushed out of my body 8, 9, 10 lb babies without an epidural and I've torn parts of my body apart doing it. I have nurtured my children's little bodies solely from my own. I have stuck with it. 

I have stuck with relationships that have damaged me and healed me and I have stuck with people who have worn me thin time and again and who have made me more and stronger. 

I've lost a sister when I was just a kid, been present for days with my dying mother, watched my grandmother have a stroke that put her in nursing care, watched my father have a heart attack, brought saltines and 7-up to my brother after his chemo, and held my husband through the rigors that came with his. 

I've held three of my dogs as they crossed to the next place, and spent many hours hand feeding one despite the tumor in his jaw. I've staunched blood flow from my smallest dog, while trying to reassure my teens that it was probably not as bad as it looked. It wasn't.  

I've drawn blood, euthanized animals, done hydrotherapy on a dog with feet skeletonized by frostbite and neglect, and brought home another which neglect left with an unbending leg.  I've given hundreds of shots, and cleaned up puke and blood and shit and vomit from thousands of animals and more than a handful of children. 

I've butchered my own food. I've washed a family's worth of clothing in our bathtub and pegged it all to dry without the help of a washing machine or dryer. I've cooked on a hibachi grill when our propane ran out. I've eaten tuna and sauerkraut burritos, and I've eaten lettuce and mustard sandwiches because that was the food we had when we couldn't afford to buy more. They aren't as bad as you'd think.

I've borne bitter cold and suffocating heat. I've carted my kids and pets out of our house as a fire bore down on us and I've stayed put when a flood surrounded us. I've pounded the backs of choking children, driven them to the ER, sat by them in the hospital and rocked them upright all night so they could sleep when they were sick. I've picked them up and held their heads when they were drunk and spent decades never getting tipsy myself so that I could drive anyone who needed me to at a moment's notice. 

I've finished a Bachelor's degree while working 3/4 time and taking 3/4 time classes and still been a mom to my three school-aged kids. 

I've faced down a roomful of scientists and veterinarians when no one else would speak up for what was right. And won.

I pay attention to how often I say "I", and just this one time, I allow myself to not limit it.

I've protected my children from animals and people that would have attacked them.  I've spoken up for the underdog, broken up a fight between two homeless men, confronted men over porn and teens over unkind behavior. 

I've learned from some of my mistakes and apologized when I recognized that I was wrong. 

I've sometimes been taken as an easy mark because of my demeanor, but I'm not a victim.

I've welcomed people into my life who have loved me and hated me and appreciated me and resented me. And I've made mistakes with them and sometimes been there for them and other times not. Because even though I've tried to do what's right, over and over, sometimes I've fallen short or had no good answers, and I've never been able to do it all. 

And I've had all kinds of feelings: anxiety, sadness and happiness, joy and grief along the way. And that doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. And if you don't like hearing about my feelings once in a while, learn to deal with it. Because I own my feelings. They are part of me.

Don't forget who you are. Make a list of the things that make you strong; that things that make you YOU. I guarantee that you have done things and survived things that have made you strong. Now move out of the way because I have life to live.

Things I know...

There's really not a lot I know for sure.  I think I know a lot of stuff, but I'm just not SURE about that much. Out of many years of parenting experience, I have come away with a few things that I'm pretty sure about, though.

Things I know about parenting:

1. What works for me and my family may not work for you and yours.

2. Pick your battles because you really don't have as much control as you think you do.

3. You can't love your kids too much, but you can protect them too much. And too little.

4. At some point (possibly not abruptly at age 18 or when they go off to college or move into their own apartment) you will have to relinquish almost all of the control that you (thought you) had.

5. When that happens, you have to hope/trust that you gave them the tools they need to make good decisions.

6. They will not allow you to vicariously make their mistakes. They will mostly want to make their own mistakes. Firsthand.

7. Therefore, your time is best spent while they are young- coaching, reasoning, explaining, giving lots of information and even more love, and sharing experiences and lessons even if you think they aren't listening. Because they're listening more than you think they are.  This is not the same as coaxing and cajoling. 

8. Oh, also, don't expect better behavior from them than you can model for them yourself.  If you lose your temper, expect that they will, too.  If you act sarcastic or snotty to them, they're probably going to do the same to you.  Remember, you are the parent and the adult.  These things aren't necessarily bad, we just can't hold our kids to a standard higher than we hold ourselves to.

9. I really don't know very much. We're always just doing the best we can with what we have. Beating ourselves up about potential mistakes really is pointless. In the long run, the things you fear are/were mistakes may be the best things you ever do as a parent.  You're doing better than you think you are, and if you second-guess at least every other decision you make, then you're probably doing great!

10. See number 1.

I have a lot of experience in the parenting arena.  I have a wonderful, complicated, crazy mess of a family that includes 5 stepkids, 3 biological kids, a bunch of grandkids, 4 exchange daughters from 3 different countries (at different times), and myriad pets. The age range from oldest stepdaughter to youngest biological child spans 20 years, and the oldest grandkid is only 2 years younger than the youngest kid.  I've co-facilitated about ten 14-week parenting groups with teen parents, court-ordered parents, and every other family configuration you can think of.  I helped moderate some of the first step-mom/step-parenting resources on the internet, including the original "Stepmoms' Retreat" and the step-parenting page on ParentSoup, which later became part of iVillage.