Strength and Feeling

You think I am weak because I express feeling, because I admit to my anxiousnes. But you hate that part of me because you see it in yourself, because it reminds you of the feelings you try to deny. I am not weak. 

I have have carried inside and pushed out of my body 8, 9, 10 lb babies without an epidural and I've torn parts of my body apart doing it. I have nurtured my children's little bodies solely from my own. I have stuck with it. 

I have stuck with relationships that have damaged me and healed me and I have stuck with people who have worn me thin time and again and who have made me more and stronger. 

I've lost a sister when I was just a kid, been present for days with my dying mother, watched my grandmother have a stroke that put her in nursing care, watched my father have a heart attack, brought saltines and 7-up to my brother after his chemo, and held my husband through the rigors that came with his. 

I've held three of my dogs as they crossed to the next place, and spent many hours hand feeding one despite the tumor in his jaw. I've staunched blood flow from my smallest dog, while trying to reassure my teens that it was probably not as bad as it looked. It wasn't.  

I've drawn blood, euthanized animals, done hydrotherapy on a dog with feet skeletonized by frostbite and neglect, and brought home another which neglect left with an unbending leg.  I've given hundreds of shots, and cleaned up puke and blood and shit and vomit from thousands of animals and more than a handful of children. 

I've butchered my own food. I've washed a family's worth of clothing in our bathtub and pegged it all to dry without the help of a washing machine or dryer. I've cooked on a hibachi grill when our propane ran out. I've eaten tuna and sauerkraut burritos, and I've eaten lettuce and mustard sandwiches because that was the food we had when we couldn't afford to buy more. They aren't as bad as you'd think.

I've borne bitter cold and suffocating heat. I've carted my kids and pets out of our house as a fire bore down on us and I've stayed put when a flood surrounded us. I've pounded the backs of choking children, driven them to the ER, sat by them in the hospital and rocked them upright all night so they could sleep when they were sick. I've picked them up and held their heads when they were drunk and spent decades never getting tipsy myself so that I could drive anyone who needed me to at a moment's notice. 

I've finished a Bachelor's degree while working 3/4 time and taking 3/4 time classes and still been a mom to my three school-aged kids. 

I've faced down a roomful of scientists and veterinarians when no one else would speak up for what was right. And won.

I pay attention to how often I say "I", and just this one time, I allow myself to not limit it.

I've protected my children from animals and people that would have attacked them.  I've spoken up for the underdog, broken up a fight between two homeless men, confronted men over porn and teens over unkind behavior. 

I've learned from some of my mistakes and apologized when I recognized that I was wrong. 

I've sometimes been taken as an easy mark because of my demeanor, but I'm not a victim.

I've welcomed people into my life who have loved me and hated me and appreciated me and resented me. And I've made mistakes with them and sometimes been there for them and other times not. Because even though I've tried to do what's right, over and over, sometimes I've fallen short or had no good answers, and I've never been able to do it all. 

And I've had all kinds of feelings: anxiety, sadness and happiness, joy and grief along the way. And that doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. And if you don't like hearing about my feelings once in a while, learn to deal with it. Because I own my feelings. They are part of me.

Don't forget who you are. Make a list of the things that make you strong; that things that make you YOU. I guarantee that you have done things and survived things that have made you strong. Now move out of the way because I have life to live.

Words and Rape Culture

Trigger warning:  Rape, racism, animal cruelty

This post, unfortunately, is not about kindness. It uses very foul language and context in order to make a point.

Late last night I received a text from a loved one who was dismayed with herself for having gotten into a toxic FB discussion, "for the first time since I was about 12." She reacted to someone who was defending cops for shooting and killing the dog of a cooperative, un-armed black man. There were apparently several messages exchanged and she sent me a screenshot of this guy's way-out-of-line response to one of her messages. The quote which follows is something he apparently thought was okay to say publicly to a young woman he doesn't know.

********TRIGGER WARNING********

"I bet you'd be really happy if your ass was getting gang raped by some thugs and a cop stopped it while you got 10 inches of thug cock barreling through your ass. YOU are what's wrong with today's society. You have no respect for authority, obviously. Which indicates you have poor intelligence. I love getting into arguments with stupid people on the internet because, in the end, I always make them look stupid. Grow the fuck up and stop bashing cops. Fucking ten to one bet you're a sanders (sic) supporter."

*********End of quoted trigger, but more potential triggers follow******

Where do I even start? This guy has made it very clear why I would never want to share his opinions on virtually anything. The very people who would claim that rape culture is not a thing and that male privilege is not a thing are the ones who write comments like this. His male privilege and our rape culture are what caused/allowed his mind to take an argument with a stranger and, completely out-of- context, picture a scene where this young, female stranger is being violently raped. Somehow, he believed that he would cause her, or someone, to change their minds and agree with him through this violent imagining. Or maybe he 'just' wanted to scare her.

Words. Words can be powerful. They can cause people to cringe. In this case, this guy was obviously intending to make women, or at least this particular woman, cringe. Reading his words leaves no doubt that he was intending to provoke a guttural, fearful response, just as if he was threatening her himself.. Denying the threat in these words is really not plausible to a reasonable person. Words can provoke fear, they can threaten directly, they can threaten indirectly.

Words can heal or hurt.

Last night, before carrying on this text / screenshot conversation, I had posted to Instagram: "We can try to teach kindness. We can try to model patience. But ultimately it is up to each of us to choose each sentence, each phrase that comes out of our mouths. It is only our own words and actions that we can scrutinize and have some control over. It is up to us to think and learn from our mistakes, and apologize sometimes, and choose kindness as often as possible. We must accept that our words can heal or hurt and that it is our responsibility to make right what we can. First, do no harm."

I think that the recipient of the violent message above thought that somehow I would be disappointed in her response because of my stance on kindness. Little did she know that I would be wanting to injure this guy personally, in her defense, until I read her response. Then I was laughing out loud at her foul and assertive response to his vitriol. I don't want to steal too many of her words, but let me just say that in between her opening sentence and her final sentence, there was plenty of coarse language that I believe may make him think twice before he threatens another young woman in this way just because she disagrees with him. Here are just a few of her words, which I'm sure were much more effective than any defense I could have attempted to offer on her behalf:

"Haha why does this have to turn into me getting gang raped and why are you so scared of black people?......how about you stop picking fights with girls who are ten years younger than you......and stop bringing up gang rape in a loosely veiled threat to a girl that you're arguing with hoping that it will make her feel scared enough to believe the bullshit that you're feeding her...Stay the fuck in ---- man - the 21st century doesn't want you here."

Yes. Words can have power. In this case, this young woman refused to cower and cringe at this attack. On behalf of all young women who have been sexually assaulted, verbally attacked or threatened, or just intimidated by cowardly, vicious words from strangers (or known individuals) on the internet, thank you, my daughter.  In this situation, you did the kindest and bravest thing you could do for other young women. I am not disappointed, I am proud.