Get into the pool, into the picture! Go enjoy life.

Today, the actions of Playboy Bunny Dani Mathers crossed my Facebook feed, and I knew that it was the right time to post about this.  Mathers took a photo, without permission, of a naked stranger, captioned it unkindly and posted it to Snapchat.  There are no circumstances under which this would be okay.  It doesn't matter whether she was sharing it with one friend or the whole world. It doesn't matter whether she understood how Snapchat works (good try, though).  If she spent half a second in self-reflection, she would have realized that the photo was not hers to take, that she literally victimized the stranger, and that her actions had no intent other than to feel superior by cruel fat-shaming.  That woman's body was not hers to photograph.  I hope there will be criminal charges involved.

This brings me around to what I was considering blogging about before I had ever heard Mathers' name (and whose name, actions and face I hope to forget as soon as I'm done writing this.) Virgie Tovar wrote of Mather's actions,

"Fat women already opt out of public spaces like malls, beaches, restaurants and yes gyms because we feel unsafe. This is not a product of paranoia. It is a product of the behavior we have observed again and again."  

Yes.  Many do.  But we shouldn't.  

Too often, we listen to the voices in our head that tell us to cover up, not to do anything that will draw attention to our larger-than-average bodies.  Many of us have personally experienced bullying actions and words like those from the model named above.  Sometimes those cruel words have even come from people who are supposed to love us, or who believe they're helping us somehow by pointing out the obvious. Listening to those voices can prevent us from doing things we love, spending time with people we love, and even from enjoying life.  I can't say this strongly enough.  You deserve to swim if you enjoy swimming, to feel the breeze on your naked arms and legs in the springtime, and to do all of the other things that your body is capable of doing and enjoying. You deserve to spend time with people you love, unencumbered by some baggage that someone else or your own thoughts would heap on you. You deserve to enjoy life.


I've loved to swim since I took my first lessons when I was ten, and I always wanted my kids to love the water.  We spent many happy days at the river when they were little, them covered with mud, me chatting with friends on the bank, them poking sticks in the water, me doling out snacks.  But when it came to going to a pool, I wanted to be in the water with them.  I wasn't going to deny myself that enjoyment of swimming or the feeling of weightlessness and grace that comes with being borne up, senses muted by ears full of water.  More importantly, I wanted to teach the girls to love water, and to not be put off by what society would tell us about who is worthy of wearing a swimsuit in public.  So, I would put on my swimsuit and get out there with them, piggy-backing them, catching them when they jumped off the edge, playing Marco Polo and as they became more confident, following them off the diving board into the deep end.  Was I self-conscious?  Sometimes.  But I ignored it the best I could and still enjoyed the water.

I want my kids to have those memories of me actively engaged in playing in the water.  I want them to know that my size didn't keep me from doing things I loved, and that it was not a barrier to me loving being their mom.  I also didn't want to encourage the vicious cycle that is body hatred, the thing that tells us that until we lose weight we should avoid a whole list of activities, especially those that put our physical selves out in the public eye.

I could spend my whole fat adulthood telling my children the importance of physical activity, telling them they are beautiful, telling them that people don't have to meet some certain body type or shape or size, and telling them that people's value has nothing to do with appearance.  But if my actions belie those words because I am sitting on the bench fully-clothed, then everything I just tried to tell them is undone.  My actions will tell them what I really believe.

Before having kids and occasionally since then, I would sometimes avoid a camera.  Gradually it dawned on me that I don't want photos of myself, for myself.  When I am in a photo, I'm in it so that my family has something to look back on.  I have never once looked at old photos of my ancestors and thought, "wow, Grandma is fat in that picture.  I wish she had stayed out of it!" That was when I knew that I would no longer shy away from having my photo taken or from smiling broadly in those photos... because I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for the people who come after me, and they don't care what I look like, but if I'm lucky, they will be grateful to have photos with me in them.

You can't ignore those messages in your head, because they will float through no matter how hard you try to stop them.  But you CAN make sure that you behave in line with your priorities instead of letting those judgmental, critical voices push you to behave in ways that are unhealthy and inconsistent with your beliefs.  Get into the pool, or onto the horse or bike, and for heaven's sake, stop avoiding the camera!!  You and your family will be glad you did, and doing this is the first step to quieting those voices that have never helped you anyway.

There will always be those who shame and it only reflects who they are, not who we are.  I challenge you to follow some blogs, Twitter feeds, Instagram accounts and other media that will help you change or at least reconsider those messages out in society and inside your head.  Don't deny yourself the things you want to do or the way you want to be remembered: confident, un-self-conscious, enjoying life.  What have you been denying yourself?  Go do it.  Do you, despite the haters and the thoughts you can't avoid. Do you and have fun.  You deserve it.  

Virgie Tovar's blog
Some suggestions of social media to follow:  Ragen Chastain's Dances with Fat 
ChooseLifeWarrior on Instagram and YouTube
Cynthia's blog at FlightoftheFatGirl
And as a lesson in enjoying life, just dance like this 88-year old!  What a great example she sets!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below.  Hateful ones will not be published.
P.S. "Fat" is not a bad word.  It's just a descriptor, like blond or tall.

Unexpected Questions

I'll get this out of the way first.  I'm fat.  I'm not plump or chubby.  I am fat.  (Or better yet, I have fat - as someone once said, "I have toenails, but I am not toenails."  So, I have fat but I am not fat.  Would I rather not be fat?  Sure.  But this is the meat suit I live in and I'm okay with who I am.  Bear with me.  This post isn't really about fat.  It's about being asked surprising questions.

Plus, if I went into the science of it, the fact that weight is not a simple, straightforward (calories in minus calories burned) number; the fact that mortality and morbidity really aren't higher for fat people; the fact that something upwards of 95% of dieters not only don't keep the weight off long term, they actually end up heavier than they were before; the fact that the stress of self-loathing is not worth the increase in GDP of the weight loss industry (Freudian slip:  I first typed "weight loss injury") -- you do know that an awfully big chunk of our economy counts on making us hate ourselves so that we'll waste money trying to change, right?  ANYway.... if I went into all of those things, I would have to deal with all of the arguments from people who really don't want to do their own research or think for themselves, and who want to feel better by thinking that fat people are less motivated, more lazy, less worthy, less determined, even less moral than they are.

Well, if I haven't made it clear, I'm not into the self-loathing and negativity and I don't want to argue with those people or field the haters' comments.  So that's not what this is about.  I want you to like yourself, love yourself, be kind to yourself.  I want you to be kind to yourself so that you can be kind to the people around you.  Anyway, I have digressed enough.  My post really isn't about fat...remember?  It's about unexpected questions.

What I was trying to lead into, in my own roundabout way, is that I went to the Wellness Coach at my work.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but I get "Wellness Points" toward a financial incentive for going to see her, so I thought, "What the heck?"  I expected that she would push me toward diet and exercise goals because she is a personal trainer AND a dietitian.  I expected on some level to feel judged about my weight.

What I didn't expect was for her to ask me, "What have you done in the last week for YOU?  What have you done that brings you joy?"  And what I also didn't expect was for my eyes to fill with tears at that question.  Because I don't get into self-pity any more than self-loathing.  I think self-pity is one of the most destructive emotions we have as humans.  It puts us in a rut and feeds us garbage.  So I didn't expect those unbidden tears.

See, I love my life.  I am happy-slash-content-slash-at peace.  But I wouldn't say I seek out or expect a lot of joy.  My life is pretty routine.  I have a complex blended family, with two non-driving teens still at home.  I get up, care for our menagerie of animals, try to make sure my teens eat, drive them to school, go to work, pick kids up, come home, make dinner, drive kids around, come home, go to bed.  I am really low maintenance.  So just having someone ask me a question which only had to do with me was eye-opening.  It has started me on the almost-uncomfortable journey of asking myself, "What have I done in the last week for me?  What have I done that brings me joy?"

As a mom, it almost feels guilt-inducing to ask those questions.  But I will continue to ask them until I get better at answering them.  Until I can say, "This week I finished a wonderful book."  "Today, I took photos of some spectacular scenery."  "Last weekend, I painted!"

So let me ask you... how kind have you been to yourself this week?  What have you done in the last week for YOU?  What have you done that brings you joy?  I look forward to reading your comments.