Unexpected Questions

I'll get this out of the way first.  I'm fat.  I'm not plump or chubby.  I am fat.  (Or better yet, I have fat - as someone once said, "I have toenails, but I am not toenails."  So, I have fat but I am not fat.  Would I rather not be fat?  Sure.  But this is the meat suit I live in and I'm okay with who I am.  Bear with me.  This post isn't really about fat.  It's about being asked surprising questions.

Plus, if I went into the science of it, the fact that weight is not a simple, straightforward (calories in minus calories burned) number; the fact that mortality and morbidity really aren't higher for fat people; the fact that something upwards of 95% of dieters not only don't keep the weight off long term, they actually end up heavier than they were before; the fact that the stress of self-loathing is not worth the increase in GDP of the weight loss industry (Freudian slip:  I first typed "weight loss injury") -- you do know that an awfully big chunk of our economy counts on making us hate ourselves so that we'll waste money trying to change, right?  ANYway.... if I went into all of those things, I would have to deal with all of the arguments from people who really don't want to do their own research or think for themselves, and who want to feel better by thinking that fat people are less motivated, more lazy, less worthy, less determined, even less moral than they are.

Well, if I haven't made it clear, I'm not into the self-loathing and negativity and I don't want to argue with those people or field the haters' comments.  So that's not what this is about.  I want you to like yourself, love yourself, be kind to yourself.  I want you to be kind to yourself so that you can be kind to the people around you.  Anyway, I have digressed enough.  My post really isn't about fat...remember?  It's about unexpected questions.

What I was trying to lead into, in my own roundabout way, is that I went to the Wellness Coach at my work.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but I get "Wellness Points" toward a financial incentive for going to see her, so I thought, "What the heck?"  I expected that she would push me toward diet and exercise goals because she is a personal trainer AND a dietitian.  I expected on some level to feel judged about my weight.

What I didn't expect was for her to ask me, "What have you done in the last week for YOU?  What have you done that brings you joy?"  And what I also didn't expect was for my eyes to fill with tears at that question.  Because I don't get into self-pity any more than self-loathing.  I think self-pity is one of the most destructive emotions we have as humans.  It puts us in a rut and feeds us garbage.  So I didn't expect those unbidden tears.

See, I love my life.  I am happy-slash-content-slash-at peace.  But I wouldn't say I seek out or expect a lot of joy.  My life is pretty routine.  I have a complex blended family, with two non-driving teens still at home.  I get up, care for our menagerie of animals, try to make sure my teens eat, drive them to school, go to work, pick kids up, come home, make dinner, drive kids around, come home, go to bed.  I am really low maintenance.  So just having someone ask me a question which only had to do with me was eye-opening.  It has started me on the almost-uncomfortable journey of asking myself, "What have I done in the last week for me?  What have I done that brings me joy?"

As a mom, it almost feels guilt-inducing to ask those questions.  But I will continue to ask them until I get better at answering them.  Until I can say, "This week I finished a wonderful book."  "Today, I took photos of some spectacular scenery."  "Last weekend, I painted!"

So let me ask you... how kind have you been to yourself this week?  What have you done in the last week for YOU?  What have you done that brings you joy?  I look forward to reading your comments.